...to work it out and they still don't like me. I am not sure what to do and am in a bit of a state over the fact that I have two dresses that don't like me and I don't like them. One I bought from Running of the Brides with my mom and sis and at the time, I think I forced myself to love it cause it was a good deal, a nice designer and I wouldn't have to think about it anymore. Upon learning that it would be $500 to alter, more than half of what it costs, I found another dress that very day at a bridal shop we were visiting it and immediately purchased it. Much to my chagrin, which I close my eyes, it is not the dress I see in my wedding pictures. It is beautiful but is it me? What is me?
Dress selection has an interesting way of pulling up all sorts of old hurts, images issues, self-esteem problems and mother/daughter relationship buttons. I continue to ask myself, how do you want to be seen, how to you think people see you, are you stuck in a box in people's minds and can't get out? More important, are you stuck in your own box, banging on the walls, looking for a crack to break it wide open and let in some air?
[As I type, visions of Pink Floyd's The Wall pop into my head]
All this over a dress, which I thought could be JUST a dress. But it is far more than JUST a dress. It is an extension of my psyche, my personality, my isms, my identity. I guess. I mean for some people, it is certainly not that big of a deal....oh this one looks good, I'll take it, and off to the next thing.
I purchased my dresses emotionally and financially but not lovingly. And I think that is where the problem lies. Not lovingly of myself, my worth, my value, my own right to want what I want, not lovingly respectful of my own process, or patterns or desire to be just as perfect as the brides I see in all the magazines and blogs.
This lovingly issue is getting in the way - of work, I look at dress websites instead, of my personal life, Juj told me yesterday "this is getting a little out of control", of my planning time, I have appointments with bridal shops and only 108 days left, of my emotional serene path, I am starting to feel the pressure.
With all the pro and cons, do this, do that, 'best dresses for you body' type of advice running around the internet and magazines these days, it is really really hard to also reconcile the emotional aspect that comes with being perfect in your imperfection for one day, the most important of your life.
With all that being said, I am still heading out to another bridal shop tonight and I will let my dresses fight it out between themselves, stuffed in Juliano's closet because I couldn't bear the thought of looking at their heartbreaking beauty and glorious baggage any longer.